RANTING AND BEYOND

I search for…

HAPPINESS. It shouldn’t be so difficult to find. I feel and I know I deserve to be happy as much as the next woman. I wouldn’t want to be miserable. Misery is the last thing on my mind.

MEANING. And then I realized it is not only happiness that I seek but meaning. I want to matter. I want my life to have a meaning.  I want to be made aware that what I do and the reason for me being here matter.

CAUSE. I need that one thing, that one thing that I’m passionate of. That one thing that keeps me going. That one thing that is always on my mind before going to sleep and immediately once I wake up. That one thing that is worth fighting for. It is only then that I find meaning, because I’ve found a cause that is far greater than myself.

SOMEONE. Sometimes, it is not happiness, meaning or cause. I just need someone. Someone who’ll stand beside me. Someone who can chase all the monsters away. Someone who’ll say, “I’ll be right here, no matter what.”

Anyone who says LIFE IS UNFAIR, does not understand what life is. LIFE has always been fair because it is IMPARTIAL. It has always been its nature. Life is not unfair dear. Look up, your life is what you make it.

REMEMBER THIS JAIDEN?

I gave you the name Seonne Jaiden, because God is so gracious. He heard my prayers when I asked for a child. He has given you to me for a reason. He knows Mama can take care of you more than anyone in this world. You are so precious to me, that I wouldn’t change a thing because you’re so perfect. May you always know how loved and special you are. I wouldn’t let anyone treat you unkindly. I look forward to the day when you get to read this and think that I am being too protective. And on that day son, Autism no longer dictates your life.

You have to grow son, and that’s the way it should be.I do believe in miracles and deep in my heart I know you’ll recover. Do good in school. Be a considerate brother to Maya. May you grow to be a man who gives unconditionally and thinks kindly. Aspire for greatness Jai, don’t be discouraged with stumbling blocks. We all fall, you just have to learn to get up and continue. Take care of yourself always. Mama can’t stay alive forever.

If I could move a mountain for you, take away any pain or steer you to the right direction, I would.  There is still so much to look forward to in your life and there is beauty in that, you determine who you are and we are all here to guide you through. But this I promise you son, as long as I live, I will take you by the hand, and we’ll take this journey together. You and me. Every second that I breathe, I love you more than my last breath.

Congratulations for winning the Student of the Month Award Son. I love you so much!

Back in January 17, 2010, I  wrote about you. I was not pregnant then, or maybe I was. Papa and I were thinking of a perfect name for you for God knows how much we wanted a daughter. And like an answered prayer, here you are now, beautiful, smart and healthy.

It is impossible that I could love you any more than I do.  You are so dear and special to me. And those two words don’t even begin to cover what is in my soul.  The thought of you brings tears to my eyes, just because of how meant to be it was for you to come to us.  God’s angels definitely delivered you to our door, that is for sure!  You are a true gift from heaven. I absolutely adore being your Mom.

I love you so much, my Maya.  I know that your life will be as sweet for you as you have made it for all of us.  You’re my earth angel.