RANTING AND BEYOND

I search for…

HAPPINESS. It shouldn’t be so difficult to find. I feel and I know I deserve to be happy as much as the next woman. I wouldn’t want to be miserable. Misery is the last thing on my mind.

MEANING. And then I realized it is not only happiness that I seek but meaning. I want to matter. I want my life to have a meaning.  I want to be made aware that what I do and the reason for me being here matter.

CAUSE. I need that one thing, that one thing that I’m passionate of. That one thing that keeps me going. That one thing that is always on my mind before going to sleep and immediately once I wake up. That one thing that is worth fighting for. It is only then that I find meaning, because I’ve found a cause that is far greater than myself.

SOMEONE. Sometimes, it is not happiness, meaning or cause. I just need someone. Someone who’ll stand beside me. Someone who can chase all the monsters away. Someone who’ll say, “I’ll be right here, no matter what.”

Eraserheads. Cutterpillow. 1995.

I hope we could spend more time together
A few hours is better than never
If we could only make it longer
A whole day would be fine
A whole day would be fine
A whole day would be fine
A whole day would be fine…

REMEMBER THIS JAIDEN?

I gave you the name Seonne Jaiden, because God is so gracious. He heard my prayers when I asked for a child. He has given you to me for a reason. He knows Mama can take care of you more than anyone in this world. You are so precious to me, that I wouldn’t change a thing because you’re so perfect. May you always know how loved and special you are. I wouldn’t let anyone treat you unkindly. I look forward to the day when you get to read this and think that I am being too protective. And on that day son, Autism no longer dictates your life.

You have to grow son, and that’s the way it should be.I do believe in miracles and deep in my heart I know you’ll recover. Do good in school. Be a considerate brother to Maya. May you grow to be a man who gives unconditionally and thinks kindly. Aspire for greatness Jai, don’t be discouraged with stumbling blocks. We all fall, you just have to learn to get up and continue. Take care of yourself always. Mama can’t stay alive forever.

If I could move a mountain for you, take away any pain or steer you to the right direction, I would.  There is still so much to look forward to in your life and there is beauty in that, you determine who you are and we are all here to guide you through. But this I promise you son, as long as I live, I will take you by the hand, and we’ll take this journey together. You and me. Every second that I breathe, I love you more than my last breath.

Congratulations for winning the Student of the Month Award Son. I love you so much!

Just last Wednesday I got depressed when I learned I can’t start work on Dec 12 because my license has not been issued yet. The worse part came when Human Resources called to say that the next orientation is on January 9th, 2012. Geez, how can I handle that? Bills are piling up and  I need to work ASAP.

When I woke up Thursday morning, it is as if someone is telling me to call the Maryland Board of Nursing. And so I did. I spoke to a guy named Brian and I asked him why I can’t see my name on the board’s website. He says, the reason why my name is not coming up is because my surname on record is Dumo not San Pedro. So when this guy turned things around, I immediately searched for my name and there it was…so clear, my temporary nursing license is active!

I almost jumped out of my seat because of unexplained happiness. Now I can join the Dec 12 hospital orientation.

This got me thinking, God has a plan for me. I never thought I would receive a contract and a visa in the first place. When I got here, employer told me I can’t join the November 14 orientation and will have to settle for December 12. Did God purposely postponed my training so I can rest, visit my relatives in New Jersey and enjoy a month of vacation in New York City?

God has always been good to me and my family. He sent me here for a reason…a mission. A mission I will happily embrace.