Back and Ahead

I don’t know how to write anymore. It is as if I lost my way with words. There is a jungle of emotions inside me, and I couldn’t let it out.  As I type these words, my thoughts vanish into vapor trails.

Words came freely to me when I was younger. I can write about the most unexciting and mundane of things. In fact, when I resurrected this blog, I found 476 entries that for now I wish to keep private.

 Is it because I’ve been feeling at a lost lately? This anxiety of the unknown, that has been brewing since last year, has created this inner turmoil that feels like I’ve been macerated in way too long in scalding water. And everything around me is out of focus. I need to regain control.

I will regain control. Writing is my way of reminding me that once upon a time, I was a steady and determined girl. That person has to be inside me somewhere. And when I find her again, there’ll be no more stops and detours. She is moving forward.

To the next 38

It is almost one in the morning on a Saturday (weekend yay!).  Today I am packing up what amounts to half my life, because in eight days I would turn thirty eight. Almost 70% of that life has been about work and constant worry of what the future will bring. 

As I add one more year to my age, I want to feel younger and not older. I want to feel how it is to be underage like  getting drunk and doing something I know I am not supposed to do. I want to do the craziest thing ever but this time with less fear and guilt. No repercussions.  If it makes any sense, I want to live… live in the moment.  

Yes, I am on the brink of 38. But that is just a number.